Flirst Date

CAST
RYAN – Just a dude looking for love in a sluggish economy
REBECCA – Fun, willing to roll with punches.
JUSTINE – Ryan’s mom, very mommish, y’know, like a mom
DICK – Ryan’s dad, just wants to be right for once.
KEVIN – Ryan’s younger brother, very high on weed.

(RYAN enters holding 2 plates of food while REBECCA waits at the table, a little nervous.)

RYAN
(Placing plates down and sitting across from her)
Sorry for the wait, but here we go. Homemade pasta in an 8-hour ragu made with tomatoes from the farmer’s market.

REBECCA
Oh my gosh, this smells sooo good. You know I would’ve been okay with Kraft Mac ‘N’ Cheese, right?

RYAN
Well, it’s your first time coming over to my place, I figured I can do something a little special. Speaking of which, I also have home-baked pineapple upside-down cake for dessert.

REBECCA
I love pineapple upside down cake!

RYAN
Really? I have this great recipe from-

(JUSTINE, DICK, and KEVIN all enter. DICK and JUSTINE are old-married couple fighting, KEVIN’s eyes are open/wide as he is high as balls)

DICK
-Of course we should’ve left. If the movie’s called Ant-Man I’m expecting a man-sized ant, not an ant-sized man!

RYAN
(Embarrassed/disappointed…ebarrassointed)
Oh. Hey guys, back from the movie so soon?

JUSTINE
I’m so sorry Ryan, you know how your dad gets when a movie doesn’t meet expectations.

RYAN
(Turning to REBECCA)
Hey Rebecca, this is my mom and dad… and my little brother.

DICK
(Curt to REBECCA)
Hi.
(To RYAN)
Did you know it was about a man-sized ant and not an ant-sized man?

RYAN
Yeah… I did.

(KEVIN remains almost motionless, but slowly he smiles just as widely as his eyes are open)

JUSTINE
I’m so sorry guys, we’ll get out of your hair. Guys, let’s go.

(The family exits).

RYAN
Yeah, so there’s a small chance I still live at home.

REBECCA
Oh – no that’s fine. A lot of my friends still live at home. It’s not a big deal. Really.

RYAN
Cool – I’m just a little embarrassed about it but I mean it’s just to save up some money and-

(JUSTINE enters holding up a bowl of pineapple chunks)

JUSTINE
Ryan! Did you cut this pineapple?

RYAN
Uh, yeah, I just had some leftover from the-

JUSTINE
You cut this SO well! There’s no rind on it whatsoever. You’re gonna have to tell me how you did that.
(Yelling to DICK while walking to him offstage)
Honey! You have to see how good Ryan cut this pineapple.

(JUSTINE exits)

REBECCA
(Trying to make the best of it)
It must be nice to have parents so supportive of your knife skills.

RYAN
Well I have been cutting my own food for close to 25 years.

(DICK enters and stands between RYAN and REBECCA)

DICK
Your mom said there was pineapple.

RYAN
It’s in the kitchen.

DICK
Oh. Hey, do you guys know the superhero I’m thinking of? Your mom says I’m misremembering the commercial. He’s been around for a while.

RYAN
Superman?

DICK
No. He looks older, and he’s always driving around in this car.

REBECCA
Batman?

DICK
No. He’s always giving out these big novelty checks.

RYAN
Ed McMahon?

DICK
(snaps fingers in recognition, turns and yells to JUSTINE while walking to her off stage)
Honey – you’re right, I was misremembering the commercial.

RYAN
I’m really, so sorry about this.

REBECCA
No, seriously, I actually think it’s kinda cute.

RYAN
Really? Because I don’t mean to brag, but I do have my own room.

(REBECCA smiles and they start/continue to eat for a beat as KEVIN enters. Eyes wide, confusingly wide smile. He looks at back and forth at them.)

KEVIN
I’m so fucking high.
(Blackout.)

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Author: TVsJakeStern

Having spent a period of his life owning and wearing a Danny Wuerffel jersey, Jake's learned to regret nothing. He's also learned to write, having studied comedy writing at The Second City in Chicago. When not learning, Jake prefers eating chocolate chip cookies and watching people bake him more chocolate chip cookies.

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